When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
