I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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