if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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