I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
