i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You may now shotgun with the bride
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
