Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
