Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
