I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
