note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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