dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
