I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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