i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
