I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
