I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
