Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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