Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
