You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
