I never want to see another naked old woman again.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
