I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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