You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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