In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
