hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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