i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
