The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
