I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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