I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
