those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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