On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
