Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
