you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
