Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
