why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
