bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
false alarm, still single
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