So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
