If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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