I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish you could order shots online.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
