The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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