You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
