I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
