I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
