I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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