True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
