I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
