She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
