It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
