All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
