is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
