So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
