rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
