I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
