Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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