i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You made out with two different species that night
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
